Friday, June 8, 2012
Recently, I heard Bishop T.D. Jakes say (and I paraphrase) that all love in the world comes from God, and God has chosen to show us his(her) love through other people. This struck a chord deep in the center of my soul. I grew up with the thinking that the love I needed came from my parents. For various reasons, they weren’t always able to provide the love I needed while I was growing up. I felt this somehow left me lacking. As an adult, I spent a lot of years thinking if I could find someone to love me, that they would provide all the love I needed. Needless to say, this led to some unhealthy relationships and thought patterns in my life.
Over the past year or so, I’ve been learning to love myself, and to understand that I have everything I need to make my own life wonderful and filled with love. Bishop Jakes’ words added a new dimension to this for me. Now I understand that when I give and receive love to/from other people, I am connecting, not just with another person, but with the divine love flowing through them as well. I thought that reliance upon myself and God might leave me less loving or interested in relationships, but I have found the opposite to be true.
Now that I have less of a dependency on another human being to satisfy all the need I have for love in my life, I am filled to overflowing with a desire to embrace the moment, live joyfully, love passionately, and connect deeply. A most fundamental shift has occurred in me. Life is no longer about grasping for whatever strands of love I can find from people, always fearful and suspect that I might lose them. Instead, I am now aware that I am attached to the source of infinite, divine love. All the energy that had been focused on the fear of losing, is now focused on embracing the opportunity to love and be loved more fully and openly than ever before. Interestingly, it is as I surrender to this shift that I am more able to fully delight and find joy and communion in the company of another human being. In this awareness, I find such freedom in my life!
It doesn’t mean I don’t feel grief when faced with the loss of someone I love. Each person brings their own uniqueness to my life, and the loss of their presence hurts. For example, tomorrow marks the the twelfth anniversary of the day my mom died. After she died, I felt a deep sense of loss, as is natural when one loses a mother, but I also felt that I would never again be loved, nurtured or supported by a wiser, older woman. As my perspective has shifted this past year or so, I see the world differently. Losing mom was an irreplaceable loss, and I still miss the uniqueness of her personality, the way she loved me, and the connection we shared, but because I now know that the love she gave came not just from her heart, but from a deeper source of divine kindness, I realize that I can honor her and still receive love and support from other older, wiser women. I also realized the other day that my life is filled with the presence of older women (not old women, just women older than me :)) who each in their own unique way, offer support and bring wisdom and experience into my life. Mom would be happy to know how much love I have in my life, and mom would be happy to know that I am living so open and free. I am so blessed, and I can’t express in words how much gratitude I feel for the all the love in and around me.